Monday, October 21, 2019

The little chef



Red, green and orange peppers. Chopped chunky. Shrimp peeled and deveined. Rice cooking.
“Lilian, what am I forgetting?”
“Chicken nuggets!” she shouts back from her high stool.
“For who?” he asks while sliding onions into the sauté pan.
“Me!”
He looks back at her.
“And Katrina,” she says quietly.
“Honey can you hand me the bowl of shrimp?”
She wobbles off of her stool and hands him the bowl slowly and carefully. He looks at the shrimp and pours a bit more sesame oil into the pan.
“Thank you, little chef.”
She sits up straighter on the stool tugging at her little apron.
“I cut, big chef?” she asks while eyeing the big butcher knife behind him.
“Maybe when you’re bigger. Little chefs don’t get sharp objects.”
He watches as her face changes from joy to pouting. Her little hands curling into fists as she gets her tantrum ready. “Little chef, do you think mommy wants a salad?”
“Mommy love salad.”
“Look in the fridge for lettuce while daddy cooks,” he says while keeping a close eye on the frying shrimp.
He hears her hop down and excitedly start rummaging around in the fridge. It’s amazing how he can have one kid that is never hungry when the color green is mentioned and another who gets excited to make a salad to share with her mommy.  He hears a crash and takes a quick look back. Just in time to see her on the floor with what appears to be the entire veggie drawer on top of her.
“I okay daddy.”
“Well grab that bowl on the table and put the salad stuff inside.”
After much grunting and clanging she appears next to him with a bowl filled with two heads of lettuce and an entire package of bright red, grape tomatoes.
“Very nice honey,” he says, while trying his hardest not to laugh. “But can you do me a favor and rip the lettuce up?”
She looks straight down into the bowl and then back at him without a shred of comprehension
He slides the nice pink shrimp onto a paper towel covered plate and starts ripping the lettuce up and shredding it.
She watches him intently for a minute or two before saying, “I do.”
Before he could reply the doorbell rings. “Okay honey you do. Actually how about you do in the TV room?” he begs thinking about how quick she would grab the knife if he left her alone in the kitchen.
“K daddy,” she says sweetly making him concerned all over again.
“Remember you have to hurry, mommy and sister should be home from Hula anytime now,” he says as he switches on Disney channel.
Surprisingly the bell rings again and he shouts, “One second.” He looks up at the clock and wonders who would be bothering them at seven o’clock at night. He instinctively checks the peephole before opening the door. Two HPD officers stand on the porch nervously shifting from side to side. They are in full uniform and he can see that the older one has more stripes than the younger guy.
He opens the door slowly and just kind of stands there. He’s no criminal but he’s also not a huge fan of cops so his stomach was bouncing around uncomfortably.
“Mr. Sellas?” The older man asks politely. “Mr. James Sellas?”
“Yes, that’s me. Can I help you officers with something?” he replies trying his hardest to sound innocent and calm.
“I’m Sergeant De la Santos and this is my partner officer Tanimoto,” the older officer states woodenly while his partner simply nods.
He stares at them and they stare back at him.
“Daddy! Should I squash the tomatoes?” Lillian’s voice rings out shocking all three of them out of their staring contest.
“No smashing honey. Just rip the lettuce for mommy,” he shouts back.
At the mention of mommy he sees the officers’ demeanor change. They look like somebody poured horse piss over their heads.
“What, what is it? Is it my wife?” he asks pointedly leaning towards the officers.
“I’m sorry sir. There was an accident. Your wife and daugh,” the sergeant said before abruptly stopping and looking down at his shiny black shoes.
“An accident? What about my wife and daughter!” he screams at them looking frantically from one to the other.
The younger one, Tanimoto, looks at the sergeant to see if he is going to continue and when the sergeant makes no effort Tanimoto says, “We are so sorry to have inform you that they were killed in an auto accident. They were driving over the H-3 when a semi changed lanes knocking their vehicle off of the side of the freeway.”
At that moment Lillian comes stumbling around the corner covered in bits of lettuce and smashed tomatoes. He starts to laugh but for some reason there is no sound and he can’t see through the water in his eyes. Why is there water in his eyes?
“Mr. Sellas?”
He heard someone speaking a long ways away.
“Daddy? Why daddy on the ground?” Lillian’s voice but so quiet.

“He’s in shock,” says a strange voice.
“Who’s in shock?” he hears himself ask. Then the light faded out again.

“Mr. Sellas, you need to get up now. Your daughter needs you,” a calm voice says while a gentle hand shook his shoulder.
“Daddy, Daddy, Dadddyyy. Mommmy, Mommmmmyyyy,” a voice wails out from another room.
He sits up quickly smacking his forehead into the calm man’s thigh.
“Mr. Sellas, please remain quiet. I don’t want you collapsing again,” says the man with the calm voice. He is standing over him dressed in a uniform.
“Who are you? Why are you in my house?” he asks the man before screaming, “Lilian I’m here. Come to daddy honey.”
“Sir, my name is Koa Tanaka and I am with the Honolulu Fire department. I am in your house because you collapsed when the officers gave you some bad news. How are you feeling?” the calm man asks in a voice oozing with compassion.
“News?” he starts to ask when Lillian comes flying down the hall and slams into his leg knocking him down.
“Honey, why are you so upset?”
“cuz..” she starts to say but stops when a police officer steps out of the hall.
“Mr. Sell…”
“No, no, no, no you aren’t real. No, they aren’t dead. No, that didn’t happen. You need to go, now!” he shouts spasmodically while lifting Lillian up to his chest. He starts to reel and the calm man grabs him from behind and slowly helps him slump to the ground.
“Lilian pinch me. Pinch me honey!”
“Daddy I did. Why you crying? Did I hurt daddy?” Lilian asks as little dewdrops start to form on her eyelashes.
“Sir, is there anyone we can call?”
“My wife’s family lives here. Somewhere,” he mumbles back at the man.
“Can we call them to come help with Lilian?”
It is so hard to think. He knows the man needs answers but the only thing in his brain is Samantha and Katrina. “Their number is on the fridge.”
“Daddy?” Lilian sobs at him. “Okay daddy?”
“Yes, daddy okay,” he answers her even though his brain is screaming liar.

Wednesday, May 20, 2015

Family isn’t always family anymore



Family isn’t always family anymore
“And the big bad wolf huffed and he puffed and he blew the house down.”
“Daddy, did they make their houses out of sticks in New Orleans?”
“Huh?” I ask. Perplexed at the odd turn this story was taking.
“Well, Mrs. Otani said that all the houses got knocked down in New Orleans by some girl named Katrina. And I just figured she was the big bad wolf’s sister or something.”
“No baby girl, Katrina was a hurricane. It’s a giant storm. We get them here sometimes, too.”
“So how come they named it after a girl? How come they used my sister’s name? What do they think girls are mean?”
“Ummmmm, I’m not sure how they name storms. I don’t think they are all girls though and it was just a coincidence that it was the same name as your sister.”
“Mom would have known the answer” she replies slowly, her voice going quiet.
“Mom would have. Do you want me to look it up?”
“No I want you to know the answer like Mommy would have. I want you to be less stupid!” She shouts at me, the tears starting to trickle through her long lashes and streak down her cheeks. 
“You know that word isn’t allowed. We’ve talked about using appropriate words!” I shout right back at her. She is full on crying now. I’m not doing this right. Story of my life. In just three years I went from a great father and husband to a crappy father and widower. I wonder if I should have let my sister take her like she offered. Would Lilian be better off on the mainland with a new mommy than she is here with an old daddy?
“Daddy, why are you crying?”
I stare at her. Amazed at how quickly she can go from my tormenter to my baby again. I wish it was that easy for me to simply turn off the emotional faucet. But here I am bawling in front of her.
“How about we get back to the story?”
“I want a different one. I want one of Katrina’s books.”
“I know just the one,” I reply as I a trudge over to the bookcase. I’m lying of course. I don’t want to read any of Katrina’s books to her. Every time I look at her books it feels like I am being stabbed with tiny needles.  But I keep them because I never want the pain to go away. I never want to forget them. I grab a curious George book.
“How about this one? Are you going to read to me now?” I ask. I say a silent prayer that we can make it through the story and to bedtime without another meltdown.
“I’ll try,” she replies. “This is George. He lived in Africa. He was a good little monkey. And always very curious.”
We make it through story time, with no more blow-ups, and no more awkward questions. But I know it will all start again the next day. Some day she will get back to the sweet easy going girl she was before. At least that is what the therapists tell me. Other parents insist it just takes time but I doubt it. I know I’m never going to be the same and I doubt she will be either. But I follow all the rules. I never stop her from expressing her feelings, I always let her talk about her mom and sister, I encourage her to ask questions about them but I also always steer her towards the future. Of course all these rules and ideas make it impossible for me to say no when she comes home from Grandma’s house with a wedding invitation. I loved my wife’s family but they all look exactly like her and it is just so hard to be around them. I am constantly looking up, expecting it be Samantha, when I hear her sister’s voice. Now our, yes I still say our, niece is getting married and they want us to be there.  
                I wake up to sun shining in through the window and a knot in my stomach signaling that in a few short hours I would be plunging back into my wife’s family. Lilian made it easy on me for once and cooperates with breakfast, bath and getting dressed. It feels like a miracle. But we all know that before any storm there is a moment of calm.
                The Ceremony was at the majestic Cathedral of Our Lady of Peace in town. Traffic was light so it only took me an hour to drive in from Kapolei instead of the usual two hours. Yeah it may only be twenty miles but the islands are not kind to cars. Lilian sat in the back calmly playing on her iPad for the whole trip. Another minor miracle.
                One of the benefits of being a widower is that her family feels sorry for me and always does little things like save a parking spot right in front of the church. Of course that also means I will be inside that much sooner. As soon as I pull into the spot I see my brother-in-law waiting restlessly on the curb. I wonder what he did to warrant this duty. But I quickly purge the negative thoughts as I put the sunshade up on the windshield.
“Uncle Danilo!” Lilian shouts opening the door as soon as the car stops.
“Komostaka anak?”
“You know I can’t understand Uncle,” Lilian responds, her lips turned up into a pout.
“No ducks allowed, anak” Danilo says with a laugh.
“Hi Danilo,” I say as I step out of the car.
“Peter,” Danilo replies, not even bothering to hide his contempt.
“ANAKO!” shouts a woman from inside the church.
I look up and see my Mother-in-Law walking quickly out of the main doors. Seeing her makes my chest hurt. I always imagine that if Samantha hadn’t died she would have looked just like her mom. They had the same brilliant brown eyes, long still black hair, and high cheekbones. I swear her mom is closer to seventy than sixty but still looks forty-five. Samantha was the same way always looking ten years younger than she should.
“Hi Mama Kathy,” Lilian says shyly looking down and letting her hair cover her eyes.
“Anako, why are you covering your pretty face?” Mama asks while squeezing the air out of Lilian.
“Mom, you need to stay inside, the ceremony is only a few minutes away” Danilo says coldly looking at me as if it is my fault she is outside instead of in her place ready to bless the couple after the ceremony.
“We better get inside, too,” I say quickly as I grab Liliian’s hand and walk away from Danilo.
Inside I stop stunned by all the similarities to my own wedding. The flower arrangements are dominated by Sunflowers, an odd choice that must be a tribute to Samantha. I can still remember watching Sam fight all the aunties to make the sunflower the centerpiece of both her bouquet and the table arrangements. Now here is her niece echoing her statement of independence and building on it by adding even more. The church is beautiful in a simple, almost rustic way. Instead of overstated elegance there is the simple charm of an old church covered in simple things. It fits my niece perfectly. Lilian pulls me forward towards the pews arranged for the immediate family. Probably the place I least want to be. Surrounded by dozens of supportive people who secretly, or in some cases not so secretly, feel like without me their little star would still be around. How they blame me for a car crash I will never understand but they do. Truthfully when I am around them I sort of blame myself, too. The reminders of her are just too strong and almost impossible to deal with. They think I hate them but really I just can’t handle the mannerisms, voices, and even smells that are all small resonances of her.
“Daddy, we sit right here,” Lilian says while pointing at three of her cousins.
“Sure honey. Just slide in.”
The kids start chirping away with Lilian excitedly while the adults look at me and then away. I hear them muttering about bad luck and not a good omen for the marriage to have the lolo puraw here.  I ignore them staring straight ahead at the grouping of multicultural boys standing with the priest. Amazing to see so many non-Filipinos but then again, my wedding was the same way. However, my niece, unlike my late wife, is marrying a Filipino boy. A Filipino boy from California but still a Filipino boy. They stand up there oblivious to the people whispering and gossiping and ogling. I hear one high school cousin gushing to her cousin about how cute all the groomsmen are. They all do look handsome in their matching tuxes with aloha print cummerbunds and bow ties. Then the first strains of the Hawaiian Wedding song starts up from the back of the church and the entire congregation stands and turns like a huge school of fish. Six hundred eyes all staring at an older man walking slowly down the aisle playing a gleaming koa uke and singing just loud enough to be heard by everyone. It is a striking moment and it hits me hard as I recognize Uncle Jhon. He did the exact same thing at my wedding. Behind Jhon I finally see Sarah walking towards her future husband in a simple understated cream dress with a short train and a beaded veil which is casually posed on top of her up do. She looks beautiful.
“Daddy, why are you crying?”
I look down at Lilian, not sure how to answer. But then I remember she is only seven. “Because your manang looks just like a princess.”
“She does, doesn’t she.” she smiles up at me before looking back at the spectacle of the wedding.
The rest of the ceremony is a blur of beauty and emotion as I ride a rollercoaster of happiness for her and anguish for what I don’t have anymore. Without even realizing it is over Lilian and I are suddenly riding a wave of happy people out of the church, each of us clutching little bags of rice in our hands. Outside the sun is blinding and the couples’ chariot awaits. I expect to see a limo or a carriage but what I see fits the idea of the simple wedding much more. Six lifted trucks idle in front, waiting for the wedding party to finish their photos, and taking their rice shower.
Lilian pulls me with her whispering, “I know the perfect spot to stand to really smash them with this rice when they come out.”
“Honey, it is supposed to be gentle and fun. I’m not sure if they would appreciate you smashing them with rice.”
“Well I know the perfect place to gently rain bagas over their heads then.” And she drags me over net to a bush.
“I don’t know honey this seems a little out of way…” I start to say before stopping short as the groomsmen’s heads appear a foot away from us seeming to float about the plumeria bush.
“Fire!” Lilian screams gleefully as the groom’s head appears and she launches the rice full speed at him. It hits him straight on his cheek and he flinches away almost falling off the stairs. I glance over at him and as he recovers he stares back at me with a glint of rage before Sarah tugs his arm whispering something in his ear and walking away. I let my head drop and look down at my hand and slowly let the rice dribble between my fingers.
“Come on daddy, Jeff and Jane told me we need to get to the reception early so we can play before it gets too crowded.”
“Okay honey,” I reply distractedly, still looking at my now empty hand.
It is a short drive over to the reception at the Hilton. As usual the family has gone all out spending big bucks to get the best menu and the prettiest room. No bargains here but I bet there will be a lot of bargain shopping in the next year to try and pay for it. I decide to park valet and pull into the lane.
“Are you here for the Reyes wedding?” the valet asks as I pull up.
“Yes we are.”
“They have covered all valet prices for the event but make sure you don’t lose your ticket.”
I grab Lilian out of her booster having the first happy thought since that moment when I saw Sarah walking down the aisle. Saving twenty bucks is a great mood enhancer and it goes well with thoughts of steak and shrimp. Today could be pretty good after all. We walk to the Great Lawn. As soon as we get close Lilian disappears after a couple of little kids I vaguely recognize. I watch her go admiring the view that enfolds over her head. The great lawn is set up with a magnificent billowing tent with easily seventy tables all illuminated by what looks like fairy lights. Past the tent is the Hilton Lagoon sparkling slightly in the gentle dusk. It is a magical place which only gets better as the classical Hawaiian band starts to warm-up and hula dancers wander towards the stage. I know it is contrived and touristy but it is still beautiful. I even hear the clack-clack-clack of tinikling. I feel disconnected as I walk towards the reception to sign in. I know I’m only here because they wanted Lilian to come but I also still feel a connection to the family which I can tell is not really mutual. The reception table is simple but again very well done. The sunflower motif mixes with a simple silver border and speckled cream. Each color playing off the other in the registration book, flower arrangement, and even the table cover. The Aunty manning the table however seems to have missed the message about simple charm and is dressed in a glittering purple dress that would be at home in a Mrs. America evening gown portion.
“Hi Aunty. How are you?”
“I’m good anak. Where is your little one?” she asks, obviously only wanting to see Liliana.
“Oh she is around here somewhere with the other kids” I reply brusquely as I fill in my name and hand her the envelope full of cash.
“You are on table forty-six with the Oregon cousins.”
“Thank you” I reply automatically while trying to figure out who the hell the Oregon cousins are. I cannot for the life of me remember any part of the family living in Oregon.
On my way to the table I spot the bar and decide one drink won’t kill anyone. Yes it has been a few years since I’ve had a drink but it is a special occasion. I stopped drinking after I lost my job but it was my decision. I’m not an alcoholic.
“Rum and coke please.”
The bartender gets busy mixing Bacardi and coke into a large plastic cup. I take a sip and sigh. It tastes good.  “Very nice, I’ll back later” I whisper to him as I slip a five into the tip glass. It feels good to drink. I carry my drink as I wander here there hoping to spot Liliana and the gang. Pretty soon the cup gets empty and I go back for another. I’m feeling pretty darn good and enjoying the soft trade winds and lovely haunting rhythms of the Hawaiian style band. I see my mother-in-law holding court at table two and walk the other way bumping into somebody I can’t see clearly.
“Drunk again huh Peter. Same old same old. I always wonder if Sam would have been driving Katrina over the Ko’olaus if you weren’t a drunk.”
“Son of a bitch. I should kick your ass for that” I slur slightly as I yell at Danilo.
“I wish you would try but this is my niece’s wedding so I’m going to walk away and pretend like you aren’t the stupid haole boy who got my sister killed.”
I just watched as he walked away and wondered if what he said was true. Even before they died I did like a drink or two. Did I cause their death? I asked myself the same question almost every night. Somehow I never had a good answer for myself. Well tonight the answer is another rum and coke. Weddings are a place to drink, after all. As I sip my fourth cup I hear the MC announce the couple’s first dance. I walk over to celebrate with everyone else and cheer lustily as the band starts to play “at last” by Etta James. I yell loud. Pretty soon a few of the bigger cousins move over by me, eyeing me out.
“What the hell are you looking at?” I scream at them semi coherently
“A drunk haole who doesn’t really belong here.”
“I’m part of this family. Sam and I were God parents’ to Sarah for Christsakes.”
“Yeah you were part of this family. Now Lilian is. You, not so much.”
The next thing I know I am staggering with drunken purpose at the biggest one and pulling off my aloha shirt. I take a huge swing at him and miss as he calmly steps sideways. I swing again, this time coming closer, but I punch so hard I fall straight on my face. When I look up it isn’t the tough young cousin staring down at me but my Mother-in-law. All I see is hurt radiating from those eyes that so resemble Sam.
“Peter, we are done with you. From now on we will pick up Lilian and bring her to see her family but you are no longer part of us. You are an embarrassment and that is exactly what I told Sam when she brought you home, when she married you, and when she gave birth to Katrina. I hoped you would become a good man but look at you. A drunk who picks fights at a wedding. Can no one be happy? Go. Leave. We will take care of Lilian tonight.
I look up at her and slowly roll over and climb to my feet. I am drunk. I am so drunk. But even drunk I hear the truth of her words. This is my low point. As I turn to go I see Lilian and her cousins staring at me. Her hands clenched in little fists and tears running down her face.
“Baby girl it’s okay. Mama isn’t really mad.”
“Yes she is daddy. Because you are being stupid. You are a big stupid head.”
Those are the words that push me over the edge and I slowly stumble away to the beach and just walk.

Thursday, April 25, 2013

The Collection




God she is beautiful. She lies there so still, her face glowing unnaturally from spray tan and tastefully applied make-up. Her outfit is perfect, a lavender silk blouse, black slacks, a conservative strand of pearls and modest three inch Gucci heels. Well it’s only fitting that she looks her best on this day. He has done a beautiful job preparing her. As the people start to arrive he flashes back to the last time he had dressed her.
The flashing lights and thumping bass had enveloped him as he danced slightly out of control. A drink in both hands he was slightly tipsy but still in control. He was dressed in his honeytrap outfit, Black, pinstripe Armani suit, pink shirt, pink and black tie, and patent leather boots. He looked down at his Rolex spilling one of his drinks. He had been told that this outfit was an aphrodisiac because it smelled like money. He smiled as he thought about how tailored his look was, from the suit, to the watch, to the drinks, he had one thing in mind, finding a young girl. He did a slow pirouette and scoped out the crowd. He saw lots of eyes and smiles but none that jumped out at him.
“Excuse me! You are spilling your drink on my shoes,” came a very feminine voice from behind him.
“What? I can’t hear you,” he replied, pointing to his ears even though he had heard her perfectly.
“Your drink!” she shouted while straightening his arm so that his rum and coke would stop dripping out.
 As she helped him with his drink he appraised her. She certainly was trying hard with an expensive looking black BCBG dress, an attractive gold chain with a large emerald pendant that matched her green eyes and nice Jimmy Choo’s on her feet. But it was all an illusion, the dress was either not hers or from an outlet because it was at least two sizes too big and the shoes were from four years ago, almost ancient. The kicker though was her face, she had attempted to match her eye shadow to her pendant and in the process had turned herself into a stereotypical drag queen. Even her natural olive skin was of tint by the foundation she had chosen.  She’s perfect he thought.
“Would you like a drink?” he half said, half pantomimed to her. Then he grabbed her hand and led her towards the bar without waiting for an answer.
“Two shots of patron and two rum and cokes,” he shouted to the bartender. He grabbed the drinks and led her back to his private booth.
She didn’t say anything but he could see the question in her face, how he had a booth in the packed club?
He pulled her in close as they sat down and whispered, “I am a very silent partner in the club and my one perk is this booth. My name is Brenton, Brenton Woodhouse.”
“Suzie Salvador.”
“Well Salud, Suzie,” he said while raising his shot of patron. They clinked glasses and downed it.
“What kind of business are you in Brenton?” she asked him, her voice sounding breathless.
“I am a collector.”
“Well your collections must do very well,” she said while her eyes roamed over his outfit.
“Would you like to see part of it? Most of my pieces are on display elsewhere but I have a few of my favorites at my studio.”
The gleam in her eye betrayed just how eager she was to see his things.
He grabbed her hand and pulled her towards the back of the club.
“Aren’t we going the wrong way?”
“No, we are going out the special owner’s door. I hate to take you out in front of all those wolves stuck in line.”
They strolled together casually bumping their arms and legs into each other. He casually guided her out of the club into a parking area with just one car in it.
“Is that yours?” she asked pointing at a nondescript, beige Toyota Sienna.
“Yes it is. I love all the room for when I need to move pieces around. That and no one ever hassles me like they did when I used to drive my Bentley around.”
The drive to his studio was quiet but the air crackled faintly with sexual tension.
He parked the minivan in the studio’s cramped single car garage and led her up the stairs.
“Your studio isn’t in the neighborhood I expected,” she said, clutching her coach bag closer to her side.
“Well this was the only neighborhood that had a building that matched my needs.”
They came to a large metal door which he unlocked with a series of four keys before leaning his shoulder into the door to push it open.
They entered in to a small suite of rooms. He led her directly to a closet, “let’s see if I have anything that will suit you.”
“Why do you have all of these women’s clothes?”
“Oh many of them came with my collection pieces and I’ve come to find I enjoy the dressing of a woman. Here let me pick an outfit out for you,” he said, his eyes gleaming.
“Please do,” she said seductively while slowly unzipping her dress and letting it fall to the ground.
He looked into the closet and pulled out a near twin to the dress she had been wearing except this one glistened with manmade emeralds sewed into the bodice. He passed the dress to her noticing her nicely maintained pubic hair.
She slipped it over her head, “Ahh this fits so perfectly. How did you know?”
“My hobby is dressing bodies.”
She slinked over to him and put her arms around him whispering, “Is there any place here where we can get more comfortable?” After whispering she pulled his face down to her’s and kissed him long and slow.
“I have a wonderful bedroom right on the other side of my studio,” he whispered conspiratorially as he pulled his face free.
He quickly led her up another flight of stairs to a huge oak door. He pulled the door open with an ominous creak.
“Welcome to my passion,” he said, giving a small bow to usher her inside. As she walked forward he turned back and locked the door with a key.
The entire floor was one enormous room. The ceiling was mere shadows twenty or more feet above them. Each wall was covered in spotlighted items.
Suzie walked forward to get a better view of the wall. As she walked new lights illuminated floor cases. She stopped to examine one of these, “What kind of animal did these bones come from?”
He glanced down at the gilt covered bones, each one covered in a different type of precious metal. “Hmmm, this display is named after my favorite breakdancer, it’s called Crazylegs.”
He pulled her forward towards his favorite piece. “This is a piece inspired by Damien Hirst.”
As the lights turned on he saw her eyes widen, “That’s a human skull.”
He glanced down at the skull and admired the way that it had been painted to resemble the tribal tattoos of the Maori but without any flesh. “If you look closely at the back of the skull you can see how the artist was not quite able to cover up the bullet hole that was the cause of death.”
“Is your entire collection bones?” she asked her voice quavering slightly.
“Oh no I also have some very fine refrigerated cases to keep flesh tapestries and even a pair of bodies forever locked in the mating process,” he said calmly.
“I think I’m ready to go now.”
“Yes, I guess it is time to start. Did you know that this is not only my collection but also exclusively my work?”
She turned to run but he quickly clapped his hands turning off all the lights.
“Running is really not necessary, my dear. The doors are locked and there are no windows.”
He could still hear her stumbling around. He calmly walked after the noise pulling a syringe from his pocket as he sauntered. “This won’t hurt at all you know.”
“Why are you doing this? Why me?”
“You are the perfect canvas my dear, that’s why. I enjoyed dressing you earlier but now I want to have a little more artistic freedom with your skin and bones,” as he talked he quietly reached her and plunged the syringe into her neck.

How exquisite her skin is, no tattoos, piercing, blemishes, or even stretch marks, an unmarked opportunity. He carefully stripped the dress off and prepared her to be placed outside. He loved his neighborhood for its isolation and because no one ever questioned bodies being found there.
He carried her down the stairs and carefully loaded her into the Sienna. Opening his garage doors he saw dawn was just starting to pinken the horizon. Better hurry he thought. He drove quickly but calmly away from his studio. Ah that alley is perfect. He pulled over slid to the back of the van and dumped the naked girl out.

“Okay Mr. Woodhouse, here are all of the unclaimed bodies from the city morgue thank you so much for agreeing to have services for them,” an assistant coroner said to him barely looking up from the paperwork he was filling out.
“No problem and of course I will also cremate them and keep the ashes in storage in case you are able to identify them in the future.”
Well my dear let me freshen you up and then once the formalities are done I can finally fulfill all the dreams your creamy tan skin has inspired in me.

Fantasy is true


“Fantasy is true, of course. It isn’t factual, but it is true. Children know that. Adults know it too, and that is precisely why many of them are afraid of fantasy. They know its truth challenges, even threatens, all that is false, all that is phony, unnecessary, and trivial in the life they have let themselves be forced into living. They are afraid of dragons, because they are afraid of freedom” (The Language of the Night 44).

            The starting point for discussing the original Earthsea trilogy must be the idea that they are only a set of children’s books. The study of the literature of childhood informs us that books have depth and levels that a book aimed at children appeals to those children in one way and the adult readers in another related way. But the above Ursula K. Le Guin quote reminds us that children are much more astute than we generally give them credit for. Children feel the deep meaning of literature even if they do not necessarily understand it just as adults still revel in the wonder that fantastical fiction inspires in children. But those of us who have made an effort to understand the theoretical aspects of identity formation see that authors have always understood what Jung and others have officially catalogued. In many ways Jung as a psychiatrist/philosopher is simply doing the same work as an author- they are both trying to understand people and explain that understanding. How else to explain that Le Guin says that she had not read Jung until after writing the Earthsea books, which can almost be considered field manuals for Jung’s theories on the shadow? The point of all this is that literature of childhood is important because it is one of the factors leading to identity formation in children. By providing children with literature that challenges basic societal assumptions those children begin to acquire a knowledge base of individualism and freedom.
Le Guin states in the above quote “they are afraid of dragons, because they are afraid of freedom” in response to why many male adult Americans believe fantasy to have no adult value, this brings us to the second reason that literature of childhood is so important, the meanings that can be derived by adult readers, or more importantly the fact that by denying the basic truths found in these fantastical tales adults are denying their childhood instincts and in many ways denying half of themselves. They are, to use Jungian terms, denying their shadow. Denying their shadow means here that many adults are simply living on the conscious level, dealing with surface issues while allowing their other halves to atrophy. The stereotype of the business man in his white shirt who only reads the newspaper and claims fiction is a waste of time is also generally linked to a lingering dissatisfaction with life or a need to relive his high school football glory days. These dissatisfactions are really their shadow trying to break into the conscious world, trying to allow the conscious to realize that by buying into the idea of societal norms (often called the parent world) and burying everything that does not fit those norms they are losing their ability to choose their own path.
The idea of freedom and choosing ones own path is the over arcing theme of the Earthsea trilogy which follows the identity formation of three different individuals[1]: Duny/Sparrowhawk/Ged in A Wizard of Earthsea (1968), Arha/Tenar in Tombs of Atuan (1970, Arren/Lebannen in The Farthest Shore (1972)[2]. Each of these individuals goes through a transformation, a journey which could be characterized as an example of Joseph Campbell’s Hero’s Journey. The unifying concept of each journey is the idea of balance which is a fundamental notion in Le Guin’s Earthsea. Le Guin in her essay “The Child and the Shadow” expresses that “Evil, then appears in the fairy tale not as something diametrically opposed to good but, as inextricability involved with it, as in the yang-yin symbol. Neither is greater than the other…” (66). Balance then means that the traditional western idea of duality, that is the need for two diametrically opposed forces, is irrelevant because they are not opposed but complementary and necessary to each other. Therefore it is very important to examine how each of these four journeys is simply an attempt to find their own personal balance, but larger than that each of the individuals by finding their own balance has a profound affect on the balance of the greater world around them. In order to show these balance quests I will use Jung’s studies of the psyche to show how the individuals are either being chased by or chasing their shadow, their unconscious, and also how Jung says, “the psychological rule says that when an inner situation is not made conscious, it happens outside as fate” (Eigen). One of the key factors in this examination is how each book seems to add complexity to the journey, hiding the signposts and making us as readers work harder to see the manifestations of the shadow. Further the trilogy as a whole forces us as readers to question the way that gender is presented. Because in books one and three women are almost of no account and in Tomb’s the story of a woman she is empowered by men and lives in a community without feminist principle or perhaps any femininity at all.  In addition to the idea of balance and gender I believe that it is very important to illustrate how these novels make an effort to show the power of knowledge and the danger of acting without enough knowledge. Each of the novels has moments where either the main characters or the characters acting as obstacles act out of ignorance and with each of these moments there are direct and easily observed punishments.
           
A Wizard of Earthsea
In A Wizard of Earthsea the individual or hero is Ged, Ged being his true name. “A Wizard of Earthsea is, of the three novels, the most complete account of coming of age as a journey into the self” (Cummins 30). The reason for this is partly because Le Guin seems to make an effort to document in clear terms each and every step which Ged takes in his journey. But it is also partly because in terms of time this story shows a long maturation process of Ged from small child all the way to accomplished mage. Ged’s childhood is quite familiar to the readers of literature of childhood, he grows up with a disinterested father and no mother. Therefore like many of the protagonists in children’s books he is a blank slate waiting for experience to etch its message on him. Of course fate steps in and does just that (or is it authorial intent?) by having Ged simply copy the words of his Aunt the village witch Through the words Ged is able to bewitch the goats but the actual meaning is much greater because this action shows the witch his potential and he takes his first steps in magery. But even with his new found status as apprentice to his aunt Ged is still a village boy with some power and less knowledge this is when fate truly steps in by sending invaders, kargs, into his village. Ged in this instance achieves several different milestones because for the first time does meaningful magic of his own devising by creating the fog that defeats the Kargs. Through that magic he shows his worth to his father who before the battle confronted him “’be still, fool! Keep your blattering mouth shut, and hide if you can’t fight’” (Earthsea 21)! Thus showing his lack of respect or understanding for what is truly the essence of Ged, language and magic. Even though Ged wins the day for the villagers it is not entirely a positive experience because this is the first, in a long sequence, of times where Ged acts without contemplating the consequences of his actions. Ged in this case is using magic in a way he has never contemplated or seen and the result is that the Kargs are defeated and he is left “standing by himself, bearing no hurt, but speechless and stupid like one stunned” (23). Ged abuses his power by acting without the knowledge to understand what he is doing or what his use of power will do to him. This abuse of power is one of the key points in the quartet because it amplifies the need for education and restraint. Ogion is wise because he only uses his power when he has to and because he continues to expand his knowledge in order to understand those situations when power must be expended. Ogion is also the only one who can bring Ged back from the stupor his overuse of power has left him in. In addition later in the novel Ged abuses his shape changing ability, again out of necessity, and Ogion is the only one to coax him back to his human form.
            Ged’s use of magic to defeat the Kargs is the first instance where he works outside the balance but it is not the last. It is interesting that while many of Ged’s flaws are internal ones such as pride and jealousy the impetus for his miss-steps tend to provoked by external stimuli. But external stimuli cannot provoke unless as in Ged’s case the flaw is already there. With Ged we see early in his training what one of his largest flaws will be, impatience. “’You want to work spells,’ ogion sid presently, striding along. ‘You’ve drawn too much water from that well. Wait. Manhood is patience. Mastery is nine times patience” (28). That impatience is again invoked when Ged is confronted by a girl in the woods, her questioning mirrors his impatience with Ogion’s training because she questions his ability to do magic. This girl acts as the first of many representations of Ged’s unconscious and is in Jungian terms a projection which is a “natural and given thing for unconscious contents to be projected” but according to Jung it is also normal for individuals to “never see through our projections but must always succumb to them” (Jung Lexicon, 104). Therefore Ged’s inability to discern if the girl is taunting him ort merely just curious is his inability to determine how much of what he is seeing is simply his own frustration projected onto the girl. Whatever the reason the girl’s questions and challenges lead to Ged to his second abuse of power because he attempts to change his shape by reading in Ogion’s lore books. “He looked for a spell of self-transformation, but being slow to read the runes and understanding little of what he read, he could not find what he sought” (Earthsea 33-34). I tis obvious that Ged is venturing far past his knowledge level and as such must be punished, and that is exactly what happens. Ged had unwittingly been trapped into reading a spell of summoning the spirits of the dead. Here Le Guin uses classic imagery to show the positive and negative by having Ogion dispel the shadow, which was blacker than the darkness around it, through the use of his bright white mages fire. But more than simply being representatives of good and evil these two are also knowledge and ignorance because Ogion is able to dispel the shadow through his knowledge and power much like Ged is able to create the shadow through his ignorance.  Indeed we find out that the entire affair came about because of Ged’s ignorance “’You do not remember what I told you, that that girl’s mother, the Lord’s wife is an enchantress’” (Earthsea 35)? Of course Ged does not remember the lesson and this lack of understanding is the chink that allows his unconscious fears and doubts to leak out leading to mischief. Ogion then tries again to teach Ged, “’It may be she who opened the book to the page you read. The powers she serves are not the powers I serve: I do not know her will, but I know she does not wish me well. Ged listen to me now. Have you never thought how danger must surround power as shadow does light? This sorcery is not a game we play for pleasure or praise. Think of this: that every word, every act of our Art is said and done either for good, or for evil. Before you speak you must know the price that is to pay’” (Earthsea 35)! Ged still does not understand his youth and impatience make it impossible for him to learn from mere words, he needs actions and thus consequences for him to learn the truth of the balance. The speech by Ogion could be used as a definition for what the balance in the Earthsea quartet means. The balance is all about informed decisions, understanding that by using your power in any way it is affecting the world and therefore tipping the balance.
            The girl in the clearing is daughter to an enchantress, she follows powers which are in conflict with Ogion’s. She is evil. But Ogion, does not make it that simple because as he said their can be no shadow without light and thus the reverse is true. In order to have balance you must two sides. The difference between balance and the western duality is that in balance the two sides rely on each other and both sides in order to survive must acknowledge that they have aspects of the other inside or they will be unable to survive. However one aspect of balance seems to have been corrupted, in the first three novels, by the patriarchal nature of both Earthsea and wizardry in particular. Women in these novels seem to be almost universally presented as wicked and/or ignorant, the girl in the clearing is an example of this. Also the presentation of Ged’s aunt, the witch, who has no concept of balance and believes in using whatever power she can in any way possible in order to better her life. When seen through the mantra of the wizards these actions are chaotic and in many ways negative. Therefore if the books are successful at instilling their dogma of balance then the books are also presenting the women in a negative light. These are of course ideas which will be dealt with throughout the analysis of the four books.
            Ged’s journey at this point in the story is still mired in immaturity, he has achieved great actions but he still has not found even a path leading to his own personal balance. As Ogion seems to recognize Ged must learn the hard way, through experience. That experience occurs at the school of Roke where Ged goes to continue his education. Ged from the beginning finds his nemesis in the person of Jasper. Jasper is an interesting example of a shadow projection because in many ways he is a hybrid. While it is true that Ged from the first projects his insecurities about being a Gontish goatherd anong the almost royalty of the Roke wizards on to Jasper. But it is not that simple because it seems that Jasper is using Ged also as a projection of his insecurities about others being more naturally talented then him. Regardless the two are like oil and water and their animosity overshadows the fact that Ged is the rising star who “within a month was bettering lads who had been a year at Roke before him” (Earthsea 55). In the end Ged must be true to his impatient self and no matter the praise and status must jump at Jasper’s challenge to again try and raise a dead soul. This is a deliberate signpost because of the recurring theme of death as a black art as well as Ged’s inability to remember the lessons he has learned. The summoning of course goes astray and this time the shadow which Ogion had banished can not be contained and grievously injures Ged before escaping. Like the first instance of the shadow Ged acts without true understanding of the powers he is invoking and again he is acting because of the stimuli of his shadow. Jasper is simply acting out but Ged perceives all of Jasper’s actions through his own projections and therefore Ged cannot refuse the challenge. Also because Ged has enhanced Jasper’s position as a threat through those projections Ged even makes the challenge more serious than it really was by claiming to be able to raise the ancient dead. This is the turning point of the novel because Ged finally understands that power has consequences, even though again he had used power without truly understanding what he was doing. According to Elizabeth Cummins in her book Understanding Ursula K. Le Guin ‘Ged misuses his power in the duel with Jasper because he is more interested in demonstrating his personal power than he is in respecting the interrelationship of light and dark” (34). In many ways this misuse is much worse because Ged has some understanding of magic and also knows that Ogion had proclaimed the spell to be of unclean power.
The new Archmage tells Ged in an echo of Ogion’s speech “You have great power inborn in you, and you used that power wrongly, to work a spell over which you had no control, not knowing how that spell affects the balance of light and dark, life and death, good and evil. And you were moved to do this by pride and by hate. Is it any wonder that the result is ruin” (Earthsea 81)? Further the Archmage defines the shadow as “it is the shadow of your arrogance, the shadow of your ignorance, the shadow you cast” (ibid). Jung says of the shadow, “The shadow is a moral problem that challenges the whole ego-personality, for no one can be conscious of the shadow without considerable moral effort. To be conscious of it involves recognizing the dark aspects of the personality to as present and real” (Lexicon 123). But even though Ged is being told by the Archmage that the shadow is a construct built of his flaws he does not yet understand and must complete his journey in order to recognize that. Cummins says, “Ged allowed his conscious mind to call up Elfarren while his unconscious mind simultaneously attracted the shadow” (34). For Ged Jung’s idea of a moral effort occurs while being chased by and chasing the shadow.
After the incident with the shadow Ged loses many of the characteristics which the Archmage had associated with the shadow unfortunately without those traits he also loses his ability to be great. Therefore many of the trials that Ged goes through are simply him trying to recapture his own confidence and ability while still maintaining a balancing attribute. For Ged this of course means that he needs to learn patience and humility. For the purposes of this paper we will only examine a few key incidents in the remaining journey. The first incident is soon after Ged leaves Roke and is in the small port city of Low Torning. Ged here begins to relive the moments of humanity through his relationship with Pechvarry the boat maker. Ged balances his own self by learning true sailing to augment his knowledge of mage-sailing. But the true importance is Ged using his power in a reckless manner once again. This time he is not using it for personal gain but rather to save the boatmaker’s son. Ged ignores the knowledge he has amassed in Roke and “summoning his power all at once and with no thought for himself, he sent his spirit after the child” (Earthsea 96). This selfless action sends him down the slope towards the land of death but he is unable to save the child and almost dies himself. Like he other two major uses of power Ged is again incapacitated, a sure sign of reckless power use, also like those other two examples Ged is suffering because he attempted to use power he did not understand. There are many similarities between this action and the summoning of the fog because in both cases Ged uses questionable methods in order to achieve pure goals. Further as Cummins says “When he gives in to the temptation to bring Pechvarry’s son back from the land of the dead…Ged learns that neither death or evil can be eliminated” (36). Death is a certainty and to defy death is unnatural, in opposition to the natural balance of the world.
The next major step in Ged’s journey is his encounter with the dragon Yevaud also know as the old dragon of Pendor. This is a major event because here Ged learns from his experience with Pechvarry and ignores temptation while taking responsibility for the people by denying the dragon’s offer of the shadow’s name. Instead Ged insists that the dragon never again attack the Archipelago. Ged is finally making the change from as Rebeca Eigen says, in her article The Shadow Dance- Understanding Repetitive Patterns in Relationships, “Changing our attitude from blame to responsibility will change what happens next in our world” (handout). Basically Ged is taking responsibility which means that he is taking steps to fix the problems rather than simply blaming someone for them.
After leaving the dragons Ged we see still has not realized the true meaning of taking responsibilities because he still flees from the shadow and this act of fleeing leads him directly to his next hurdle. Ged’s fear is used against him and he is tricked into going to the court of Terrenon. At the court Ged is again offered power to defeat the shadow, this time from a dark artifact. The artifact which had enslaved the people to its power wanted Ged to be its new master so that it could use his wizardry. This dark artifact is of the same material as the shadow, a darkness that allows no light and thus is upsetting to the balance. But Ged resists the temptation and is able to escape from the court, even saving the lady of the court from her murderous husband. Ged has again made a conscious decision to refuse benefit because that benefit is not beneficial to the balance but only to himself. But also Ged continues to flee from his troubles.
Here is another example of how women are portrayed in the novel and interestingly it is actually the same women, the girl who tempted him in the clearing has become the woman who tempts him with the dark power. In this instance there is no doubt to her being misunderstood, she has fully chosen the dark path which is amply proven when during their escape she finds it necessary to run hot lead through the servants who hope to detain her. This is before they make any effort to harm her which makes it quite unnecessary. Gender in this book is so seldom shown that these small examples become magnified in the lack of other positive examples.
Ged finally finds the route to freedom by consulting with Ogion. This scene is another reminder that knowledge is the key to survival, “’The evil thing, the shadow that hunts me, has no name’…’All things have a name,’ Ogion said” (Earthsea 145). Ged simply must find the name for the shadow. Ogion again gives the answer, “you must turn around…If you go ahead, if you keep running, wherever you run you will meet danger and evil, for it drives you, it chooses the way you must go. You must choose. You must seek what seeks you” (146).  This is the moment of responsibility for Ged he realizes that by confronting the shadow he can end the conflict. Also Ogion’s words lead Ged to start at the beginning to “learn that the most important knowledge is one’s being (’the source’) and one’s beginning (‘that which lies before the source’), the realities of his own psyche. The shadow acts out of the very power that Ged refused to recognize in himself, primarily the desire to control” (Cummins 36-37).
Only two more episodes of note are remaining the first is a small aloost insignificant event when Ged shipwrecks onto a desert Island. Here Ged shows his new found ability to be responsible and to think about his actions. He finds two old survivors on the island to which he just tries to stay out of their way. But in the course of his stay the old woman shows him kindness and even gives him a gift (this seems to be the starting point for the Tombs of Atuan because the old lady gave Ged half of the ring which he trying to complete in that novel), In return Ged gives them a clean flowing spring, a great gift but also one that is carefully safe in terms of the balance whereas in the past Ged would have attempted something much more flamboyant in order to save the couple. This responsibility is also a sign that Ged is ready for the final showdown with his shadow.
The climax of the novel is really quite simple in that Ged finally allows himself to regain his wholeness by naming the shadow as himself and acknowledging that the dark traits of the shadow are really his own dark desires and fears. Cummins says, “He (Ged) must act out of knowledge of the myriad powers and must act only when there is a clear need to assist the Equilibrium or the human community. To participate, not to change; to act appropriately, not to master- these become Ged’s ethical principles” (38). Here the first step of Ged’s journey ends with him understanding the fact of balance that there can be no light (himself) without dark (his shadow). But the journey of Gd is actually one that continues throughout the quartet as he becomes the guide in the next two novels and a mere bit player in the fourth.
Tombs of Atuan

Tombs of Atuan is the story of a girl, a girl who has been displaced and given power but not understanding. Like Ged Arha/Tenar must learn in order to find her place. Her journey is one of understanding that the role she has been placed in is a construct. She is a slave to ideology, she makes no choices but simply follows the dogma that she has been taught. Much like Ged the idea of the shadow is prevalent with numerous characters fulfilling roles that show what Tenar is hiding, even from herself. Unlike Ged’s journey in which we see him literally grow up and travel in order to finally find that the truth has been inside of him the whole time. Tenar’s journey is very private, she never leaves the tombs until she has made the discovery that she does not really belong there. Cummins agrees with this and says, “The Tombs of Atuan focuses on the journey outward to knowledge of the relationship between self and community” (39).  Moreover the story itself is very short in time because we are not shown Tenar growing up, we see her being stolen as a baby and then going through her rite of womanhood. Soon after this rite Tenar’s journey begins and is soon over, soon in terms of time but long in terms of emotion.
The theme of outside stimulus starting these “heroic” journeys is a theme that is constant in the quartet. Here there are three key moments where outside forces change Tenar’s life. The first is of course the moment when she is determined to be the next incarnation of the one princess and sentenced to life as a priestess at the Tombs. This moment comes very early in her life which is crucial to the cause of indoctrination, she must be trained to believe that her role is both important and an honor. She is being placed into a community who live in a veritable prison, where men are forbidden and she must believe that it is honor to live this way.
Not surprising by the time we rejoin her she has bought into the ideology, she believes that because she is the one priestess that she is powerful. However this belief is rocked by the arrival of three male prisoners for her to dispose of. At this point we meet the most important shadow character in the form of Kossil who has fully accepted her place and role as priestess to the God King. Ironically Tenar realizes in the course of her journey that Kossil who s completely invested in the system has no belief in the reality of the God King, she worships the power that the system provides. Tenar in the beginning believes but we see that when she is ordered to kill the prisoners, in the name of the nameless ones, she begins to doubt. In the study of literature of childhood the term parent world is quite important because it represents the false limits placed onto individuals or perhaps it is better to say false realities in which they live. Tenar as the One Priestess is living in this alternate reality, the proof of this is obvious because after she kills the prisoners her unconscious rebels, she begins to dream about how wrong her actions were. The unconscious as we know is the meter for how true a life we are living, when self deception is prevalent then the unconscious becomes restless. On the opposite side of the shadow character is Penthe who represents free living and light. She has not bought into the system and is simply living there because she must. At this point in the story Tenar is so devoted to her reality that if given the choice she would choose to stay whereas Penthe is the example of reason who sees the tombs for what they are. a prison.
The third outside stimulus is of course; Tenar finding and trapping Ged in the Labyrinth. Ged is a symbol of everything her ideology loathes. He represents the sorcerers of Earthsea whose ideology is freedom and whose symbol is the glowing wizard’s staff. Whereas Tenar is of the earth, not the seas, and darkness is the symbol of the Nameless Ones. These contradictions, along with the fact that Ged is a man, make it very surprising that she not only allows him to live but actively helps him by providing food and water.  Returning to the theme of the unconscious Tenar is torn from the first burst of brilliant light; her conscious thoughts are “Forgive me that I have seen Your (nameless ones) tombs violated. You will be avenged. O my Masters, death will deliver him to you, and he will never be reborn! Yet even as she prayed, in her mind’s eye she saw the quivering radiance of the lighted cavern, life in the place of death; and instead of terror at the sacrilege and rage against the thief, she thought how strange it was, how strange…” (Tombs 69). Her mind’s eye here is representing her unconscious which is fighting to escape the shell which her religious ideology has created and escape into a world where it is illogical to kidnap children and execute people. This is the first but not the last time in which Ged is the subject of conflict between her conscious and unconscious self. She allows Ged to live constantly spouting how she is simply trying to make his death linger in order to please the Nameless Ones, but in reality she has doubts and those doubts are able to stop her from killing him until she is sure it is the right thing to do. Her reality is being changed by her unconscious which is making decisions for her so that she can avoid the horror that she still remembers from killing the prisoners. The chances of Tenar killing Ged becomes less and less likely as she continues to speak with him and observe him. She is humanizing him, showing that he is not evil or even that much different from her. However her conscious self continues to deny that she is betraying her ideology and continues the fiction that she will kill him in the end. Ged solves the rift through the simple solution of choosing between saving him, her unconscious wish, and letting him die, her conscious duty. Tenar clings to her duty and place claiming the Nameless Ones will kill her for leaving but Ged responds, “To be reborn one must die, Tenar. It is not hard as it looks from the other side” (Tombs 126). Ged is telling her that her true spirit is not going to die only the Arha construct which her ideology created will die. In the end Tenar frees herself by making the choice to go with Ged. Of course that decision has other consequences of which she had no idea and the hardest one of all is that by choosing to leave with Ged she allows Manan to die in an effort to save her from the wizard who had beguiled her. This is the death that hangs over Tenar because Manan is her responsibility and more than that he was the one who loved her for being her not because she is the One Priestess. So by accepting responsibility for Manan’s death on the boat ride to Havnor Tenar is showing that she has, like Ged, matured to the point of understanding that no matter the blame you are always responsible for events.
Many read this story as Ged freeing the trapped girl, much like a Disneyesque tale of the Princess waiting for her Prince but in reality Ged is nothing more than a tool that Tenar uses to unlock her own unconscious. Cummins phrases it quite well by saying that “it is a mistake to say that Ged “saves” Tenar; she saves herself, but Ged functions as the midwife in the rebirth” (42). There is a chance that without Ged she never would have escaped but there is an equal chance that she could never have survived long with her unconscious fighting her every move. In terms of gender Tomb’s presents an issue because it is a novel about a woman who lives in a compound of women but in almost every way the life being led is the same as a man because the compound is not a matriarchal society but rather women placed into a patriarchal system. Kossel and Tenar are both allowed power in a system by the God King, a man, and the power they wield is masculine in nature as is the society. Later in the paper this distinction will be quite clear because the fourth book is more of an honest depiction of how society is different from the perspective and inside the power structure of women.
Tenar is a strong woman and in the end she escapes but of course that escape is not the end of the tale, because she has to escape to somewhere. In this case Ged takes her back to the inner lands where she is a hero for returning the Ring of Erreth-Akbe to Havnor. But Tenar wants none of that; she needs isolation and an opportunity to normalize her life. She has been through trauma and needs time to sort it all out and figure out where her life will lead now. Not to mention that whereas Ged spent his entire childhood and early adulthood trying to decipher his identity Tenar has spent maybe a few months to completely reorder her life. She has accepted her shadow as part of her and seen that her choices lead to the destruction of all that mattered in her previous incarnation. Also Tenar has not been allowed as Ged was to learn about the world and through the world herself. She was taught what she needed in order to be the one Priestess, nothing more. In fact when asked by Ged if she can read she responds, “’No it is one of the black arts’” (Tombs 124). I tis fitting both for Tenar’s journey but also for Ged’s that Tenar is to begin her reborn life in the hands of Ogion. Ogion who Ged was to immature to heed is the perfect teacher to integrate Tenar into a society of freedom.
The Farthest Shore
While each of these tales has its own significance, especially to the individual whose journey we are reading, The Farthest Shore is the tale which is most significant to the world as a whole. Its importance is simple; Lebannen will be the High King of the inner lands if he completes his journey. But of even more significance if this mission is failed than magic will also fail. Regardless of the greater consequence this tale is still focused on how Lebannen grows into the man he will become. The pattern is almost identical to that of the first two novels with Lebannen first needing some forms of outside stimuli to show that a journey is needed and then hurdles along the way. Much like Tenar he has Ged to serve as an advisor. One of the patterns that has become clear across these four books is that when the individual on the journey is male he must go on a journey that includes great physical distances whereas in the two female driven stories distance takes a backseat to the idea of an interior struggle.
Lebannen is the prince of one of the more important Islands in the Archipelago and as such is a person of power and responsibility. That is why it is quite clear that the situation is serious since the ruling prince not only sent his son to Roke to report on the disappearing magic but also ordered him to make himself available to help. The disturbance in the magic then is the stimuli which forces Lebannen down his path. The second stimuli is that Ged both decides that the issue is serious enough to warrant him leaving Roke to investigate and to bring Lebannen with him because it is not a coincidence that Lebanon should have been the messenger. There is quite a bit of the old idea of fate in this story as the master patterner says of Lebannen being the messenger, “not by chance does any man come to the shores of Roke. Not by chance is the son of Morred the bearer of this news” (Shores 24). In many ways this book is the most traditional of the four because it is a story of a King being made. It has the old ideas of fate and adventure, but Le Guin turns it all on its head by making much of the journey boring. They travel far together Ged and Lebannen but for much of the book they see ordinary people who have become slightly crazy because of the new lack of magic, especially because one of the facets of the lack is that the people do not remember what they have lost.
The distinctive tone of the quest is puppy love because Lebannen is in awe of the Archmage, at the start of the journey. This love is actually a shadow construct because throughout the novel we see Lebannen projecting onto Ged, mostly because of his feelings of inadequacy. While everything in the journey seems to be in slow motion Ged does discover rather quickly that the villain is a man and that the reason magic is failing is because that man is craving “power over life—endless wealth, unassailable safety, immortality—the desire becomes greed. And if knowledge allies itself to the greed, then comes evil. Then the balance of the world is swayed, and ruin weighs heavily on the scale” (35). Therefore the villain they seek is the man who is subverting death. This ties in with our theme of knowledge because the symptoms of the magic drain are an inability to use the true words or even remember magic related words. Hare cannot even say the word wizard when he is trying to explain why he is using the Hazia drug to chase his dreams of immortality. Lebannen also cannot completely escape the temptation of immortality because for him it is a good thing, a comfortable thing. That is why in Hort Town he chooses to allow himself to follow Hare down the path to try and find the root of immortality. While Lebannen does give in temptation he also is beginning to show independence by making choices. Choices are the key to the balance because a person is able to choose light or dark or a mixture whereas as we saw with Tenar if there are no choices then their can be no balance.
Choices have consequences, so even though Lebannen is taking a step forward by making a choice that choice leads to him being captured and enslaved, balance in action. Ged of course rides in like a white knight unleashing his wizardly might to free Lebannen. But it is another action of Ged’s which gives us true insight into what Lebannen is trying to overcome in his journey. When Ged is injured we see Lebannen frozen and unable to act, he has up to this point believed utterly in the Archmage as an unbeatable power which allowed Lebannen to continue to believe that he is a mere sidekick wit no real purpose. Eve though Ged himself has named Lebanon the guide and true force behind their mission, he has responsibility but he has not accepted it yet. He is still in the blame stage of development. The incident which truly exposes Lebannen’s inability to understand the situation is the dyer of Lorbanery who everyone says is mad, including Lebannen. Ged allows the dyer the same freedom as he has allowed Lebannen, the ability to choose. Here Lebanon thinks fiercely that Ged is wrong but he suppress these thoughts and continues to believe that Ged is the leader and he must simply follow. He is by denying his instincts also denying his destiny to lead. Cummins describes Lebannen’s reaction to Ged’s injury: “When Ged is wounded, Arren (Lebanon) is so overcome with the presence and fear of death that he cannot think or act. Unwilling to examine himself, he blames Ged for all that has happened; despairing, he sees Ged with ‘no power left in him, no wizardry, no strength, not even youth, nothing’ (108). Having denied his own potential for evil, he has essentially been fostering and believing in a false self; when I crumbles, there is nothing for Arren to get hold of to help him solve the problems. He is without hope” (53-54). But since he is without hope we know it is now time for him to rise, to regain his path and complete his journey. There is a nice interlude where Lebannen remembers who he is, a prince, as well as what the stakes are in their journey.
The next step is of course the end where Lebannen finally takes responsibility for the actions and stands up. The first sign is of course that Lebannen becomes a dragon lord of sorts by speaking to the great dragon Orm Embar, without fear. But the real change is that he realizes that he is afraid of death and that it is only right to fear death. Because of that realization he is able to become the man and king he will be. More importantly to this story he is able to accompany Ged into the dark lands. They journey into the dark where the horrors of eternal life are sown to be a loss of community because these souls which Cob has trapped are incapable of feeling even for themselves let alone others. Even Cob is shown to be nothing more than husk of a man whose fear of death has made him afraid of life and doomed him to a life in the limbo of the dark lands. The final test for Lebannen comes after they have defeated Cob and Ged has sealed the rift in the world. Because then Lebannen must return to the land of the living, thorough the mountains of pain. But with his new found sense of self he is both able to escape and bring Ged with him thus fulfilling his vow that he would be returning with Ged.
Much of Lebannen’s journey is exciting with its pirates, dragons and wild magic. But the true meaning happens inside of Lebannen’s head where he finally allows the equilibrium to settle. Lebannen must realize that he is capable, that he is more useful than he believed at the start of the journey when he told Ged “I have no great gifts or skills. I can fence with the short sword and the noble sword. I can sail a boat, I know the court dances and the country dances. I can mend a quarrel between courtiers …and that is all. There is no more. What use will I be to you” (Shore 27)? But more than just that litany of minor skills what really worries Lebannen is the possibility that he will fail Ged. His doubts prove that he is the right person for the journey because he is already thinking about being responsible, but is hampered by his own lack of faith in his own abilities. That is the key in his psychological journey the ability to fear failure but to try anyway. That is another aspect of balance because if you never attempt something difficult enough to fail at you will never reach very high. That fear of failure is one of the key components of the parent world where individuals refuse to try to be different because of the shame that they will fail at it. The security of the herd means that everyone can succeed as long as they do not try to be ambitious.
Conclusion

These three novels are perfect examples of how an author takes a theme and plays with it inside of different possible constructs. Each story starts with a different premise and leads us to the same principle, that to choose and take responsibility for that choice is the true power of balance. Each character learned that lesson in their own way, generally with the help of Ged as Campbell’s spiritual figure. But more than just having different types of characters those characters must overcome very different psychological hurdles which were constructed quite beautifully with Jungian sense even though Ursula K. Le Guin said that she had not read any Jungian theory until after she had written the novels. In some ways that proves the power of Jung whose concepts like the shadow are so universal as to be unavoidable when writing tales of identity formation.





           



Bibliography

Campbell, Joseph. The Hero With a Thousand Faces. New York: Pantheon Books. 1949.
Cummins, Elizabeth. Understanding Ursula K. Le Guin. 1990.Columbia: U of South Carolina
Curry. Steven. “Freudian Terminology.” Class Handout. 2008.
Curry, Steven. “Initiation as a right of Passage.” Class Handout. 2008.
Curry, Steven. “Jung: On the Shadow.” Class Handout. 2008.
Eigen, Rebeca. “The Shadow Dance – Understanding Repetitive Patterns in Relationships.”Indigo Sun. August. 1999.
Harding, Esther M. The I and the Not I. Princeton: Princeton Univ. Press. 1965.
Jung, Carl G. “Structure of the Psyche.” Class Handout. 2008.
Le Guin, Ursula K. A Wizard of Earthsea. 1968. New York: Bantam Dell. 2004.
Le Guin, Ursula K. The Farthest Shore.  1972. New York: Bantam Dell
Le Guin, Ursula K. The Tombs of Atuan. 1970. New York: Simon and Schuster. 2001
Sharp, Daryl. Jung Lexicon: A Primer of Terms & Concepts. 1991. Toronto: Inner City Books.


[1] I use individual here instead of the traditional term hero in order to highlight that they actions taken by these characters are for the most part internal and personal and thus their example is applicable to all people not just those on a mission.
[2] I will use the true name of each of the characters throughout.